The Ending

“So here it is, the ending. The black letter day when we are finally, irrevocably done. And I am really, actually leaving. The place that I used to call home.” ~ Frank Turner

I drove that red truck down a road I’ve driven a hundred times before. The mountains were shrouded in clouds, the slides on Colden barely visible. The taste of lukewarm coffee hung in my mouth, Algonquin and Marcy were both covered in a broken gray haze. The sky was dark and moody, just a hint of sun peaked out around the edges. It felt like they knew.

I downshifted for a ridiculous turn on slushy snow, and reached over to twirl up the volume.

“I swore blind that I’d never leave, and that I’d always stay. But as strange as it sounds when the change came around...” 

The new words from a new song from a new album, from an artist whose lyrics and punk rock folk accompanied me through a pandemic and a cross country road trip. It was in a van full of teenagers in Mt Rainier National Park, down the lonely roads through Wyoming in a heat wave with broken AC, and in cell phone dead zones in South Dakota that felt like they’d never end. The music stayed with me all the way back here, to the Adirondacks. That place I really used to think was home. 

I glanced down to read the name of the song.

“Farewell to my City”

I thought back to the voice of a friend that came through the phone. 

“You have to learn how to exist in the world as it is before you try to change it, because doing both at the same time is really, fucking, hard.”

She was right. 

The advice from a different friend was simpler. 

“Cam, you’ve got to get the fuck out.” 

Suddenly, I’m smiling again.

I had a job interview with a place out west. They introduced themselves with their pronouns. They asked me what I was doing in my outdoor education career to help make it more inclusive. I went to their website and found the best equity, diversity, and inclusion statement I have seen for any outdoor organization. I glanced through the training they held for staff. 

“White fragility”

“LGBTQ+ awareness”

“Implicit Bias”

“Microaggressions”

“Tribal listening and learning sessions”

“Accessibility for people with disabilities” 

Relief. 

My mind is back on the road as I swerve to avoid a particularly aggressive pothole.

I look up at those mountains and think of the hundreds of hours I’ve spent on top of them. The amount of time I’ve dedicated to this region. I did that for the plants, to help others see how special they are. I don’t regret a moment of that. 

I could write about how sad I am to be leaving, and how painful the last few months have been. I could break out some romantic prose about alpine summits and a place I loved so much.

But you know how that story goes. I already wrote it. 

I’m over it. I’m ready to move on with my life and focus on being happy. Our society focuses far too much on trans people being miserable and forgets about all the joy we have in our lives. I fully intend for my story to have a happy ending. Sure, sometimes we go through some shit, but to any trans kid out there we *get through it*, and the support I have had from my queer and trans friends as well as cishet allies over these last few months has been priceless. 

I may have lost friends, but I got closer to new friends. I may have gotten hurt, but I learned the value of standing up for myself. 

I might not be living in the Adirondacks, but I can always come visit. I appreciate the place for what it is and leave it at that. 

I’m going to the North Cascades, and damn are those mountains pretty.

I’m ready to write about a new place. To fall in love with new alpine summits and towering peaks. To learn new kinds of plants, and to open up my mind to different experiences of the outdoors. I am so ready. 

To quote Frank Turner:

“I don't want to be a beggar always asking for slack
Gonna take the things they threw at me and throw them right back
I'm tired of only ever trying to do what I can
The secret is to try and do the things that you can't

Twenty four seven, three sixty five
I'm holding up my end to keep the dream alive
Of that one perfect day when the stars align.
I'm fine, I'm fine, I'm fine, I'm fine
Got the whole world in my sights, and-

(Hey, every once in a few months when)
(All the punches land)
(That day, I'm a tiger a prize fighter)
(At least worth a damn)

Damn the haters, damn the doubters
Today's my special day

You can't stop me, can't touch me
Can't take it away”

One day all the punches will land. 

This is that day.